over the last week or so i've felt compelled to look at old pictures. photo albums, a yearbook or two, and today the giant box of disorganized memory madness. i can only guess that i'm looking for the answer to a question i don't know. each time i see my own image, i'm oddly uncomfortable -- at my actions, my appearance, my expressions, my wardrobe -- you name it, i'm uneasy about it. have i really reached the age of 37 without liking myself?
i've noticed lately that my mood-o-the-day is a direct reflection of the attention that i'm paid by others. if the grocery store guy is extra friendly, i can go on feeling great for several hours. if the folks at the gym talk me up, i'll put an extra 30 minutes in on the eliptical. what's this about? is my self-esteem that bad? do i really doubt myself as a valuable member of society so much that i'm incapable of feeling good about myself without someone else's validation?
my therapist says this is normal for all that is going on in the marriage and whatnot. but i'll tell you what. . .i don't like it. not one bit.