Thursday, January 31, 2008

you'll be happy to know i didn't have to run in the snow this morning. first off, the snow didn't end up coming. secondly, i cleverly remembered my dear neighbor has a decent eliptical and she was happy to let me squeeze in 30 minutes before heading to my united way job. it wasn't enough of a workout, but it certainly helped. tomorrow i don't have any kids at u.w. so i'll head straight to the gym and enjoy every minute of a real life satisfying cardio/weights routine. i'll probably sneak in yoga tomorrow night just to bring the high to a celestial level.

back to wacky marriage land. . .last night martin & i actually talked. we watched the new hbo series, "in treatment" and that started the conversation about my therapy, then our problems and we chatted for a good couple of hours. nothing is fixed. don't get your hopes up. he's not willing to consider anything until we separate for awhile. and i'm on that boat too. we're both looking forward to some space between us. perhaps it will be a cure-all. or we'll both discover that we were a mismatched pair all along. regardless of the final outcome, it was good to talk.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

i'm getting a bit twitchy. i haven't gotten a real workout since last friday. my little jog on monday hardly hit the spot and yesterday i went to the gym for a weightlifting class but didn't get in many reps and only a few minutes of cardio while i waited for the class to start. so now i'm considering going running tomorrow morning. it will be snowing. and i hate the cold. but i really need my fix.

now, to address the concern of my reader (i'm pretty sure it's just you, m.p.)-- i'm ok. i really am. to get to this place took a long time and more self-discovery than i was comfortable with, but a separation from my marriage is the logical next step. i personally believe the ultimate demise of our union was a lack of nurturing to the marriage itself. we took for granted that we would just be married forever and rarely worked out differences. i dreaded conflict so i would try to ignore those little things that add up into big things and then became gigantic resentment. and when he began exploring buddhism, he concluded that his distaste for me wasn't worth overcoming. the end to his marriage came far sooner than mine. but alas, my marriage is now over as well.

i'll give you a call in the next day or two.

onto other things. . .i'm getting rolling on the fundraising job for the pet connection. it's a really neat organization and it's going to be fun and rewarding. if you're itching to make a tax deductible donation to a no-kill cageless shelter, give me a holler.

bedtime yet again. and i suppose someone should do the dishes.

Monday, January 28, 2008

I'm giving this post a title so I can link to it....

ok, so i didn't work out this weekend. saturday was a planned day of rest after six straight workouts. i had every intention, even speaking of it through my third glass of wine on saturday night. my other dear mrs diggs doubted i'd make the gym. she was right. don't ask how, but mrs diggs, her husband jack and i downed five bottles of wine. we weren't looking to do that. casual conversation and tasty wine led us down that ugly path.
so she was right. i didn't make the gym.

by the time i felt better yesterday, the y was near closing time. and this morning i knew i had to work my united way job at 9:30. sure, i had planned on hitting yoga this evening, but i was craving my workout like no one's business. it's a nice winter day -- 52 degrees -- so i do something i haven't done since junior high. i went jogging. ok, i tried jogging. the first fifty yards or so were quite refreshing. then it started hurting. i have a runner friend who warned me that my lungs would try to kill me, and my legs would act like they were going to quit. but to listen to my lungs. i probably jogged/walked a couple miles. i'm starting to wonder what good i'm doing on the eliptical if i can't go 1/3 as far on the street. i promise i'll keep trying. at least for a while.

and yes, i did manage yoga tonight. it was lovely. exactly what my weary brain needed after visiting emily's teachers. we're having some accountabilty issues. poor kid has no desire to play along with the factory-like processes that is public school. i can't say i blame her. it just tries me. i mean, i was a total teachers-pet people-pleaser. how did i end up with someone who is content to not turn in her work because she just doesn't feel like finding it and placing it where it belongs?

hallelujah. it's the kids' bedtime.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

ok, i tried BOSU yesterday at the gym. i felt like an awkward sixth grader trying out for the cheerleading squad (speaking from experience), but it was fun. and i sweated and was sore this morning -- which is what i'm looking for in a workout. despite the miles i "run", i don't feel like i'm making a lot of progress physically. i'd like to see my legs get stronger and leaner and my lower abs are still thrashed from an unnamed 10 1/2 lb. son i carried beyond term. i'm pleased with my upper body progress (ignore the sagging, er, um, skin). i'm definitely prepared for bare arms this spring. my hind quarters, well, that's another story.

got a note about my 20 year class reunion yesterday. i'd suppose that makes me old. i can't fathom going. but you never know. martin offered to go with me with cornrows and a grill. that could be fun. even as an estranged husband, he'll be a good friend.

i'm looking forward to the weekend. i'm wearing weary of the morning school routine already, though i'm certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that putting them into school was the absolute right decision. we'll have a struggle here and there but it's better than what homeschooling has been for the last few months.

yoga in the morning :)
shiraz right now ;)

Monday, January 21, 2008

had a good workout this morning, despite a small chest cold. in felt fine while lifting and eliptical-ing six miles. stopping made my chest hurt. i'd've kept going were it not for picking up audrey from school and taking her to the dentist. no cavities, mom!

still trying to get ducks in a row for starting my job as a fundraiser for the pet connection. i know it will be a trial by fire of sorts but i still need more background on exactly what i'm trying to do here. part of me is hesitating to get started because i know that once i'm making a living, martin & i will separate for real (as opposed to the miserable co-habitating with little communication and no love). i know it will be good for both of us to move on -- it's just not the picture i'd painted in my head.

alright, the other kids will be home from school soon. that's a wierd thing for me to have to say.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

over the last week or so i've felt compelled to look at old pictures. photo albums, a yearbook or two, and today the giant box of disorganized memory madness. i can only guess that i'm looking for the answer to a question i don't know. each time i see my own image, i'm oddly uncomfortable -- at my actions, my appearance, my expressions, my wardrobe -- you name it, i'm uneasy about it. have i really reached the age of 37 without liking myself?

i've noticed lately that my mood-o-the-day is a direct reflection of the attention that i'm paid by others. if the grocery store guy is extra friendly, i can go on feeling great for several hours. if the folks at the gym talk me up, i'll put an extra 30 minutes in on the eliptical. what's this about? is my self-esteem that bad? do i really doubt myself as a valuable member of society so much that i'm incapable of feeling good about myself without someone else's validation?

my therapist says this is normal for all that is going on in the marriage and whatnot. but i'll tell you what. . .i don't like it. not one bit.

Friday, January 18, 2008

so yes, i've disappeared once again. things are rough here. martin has wanted a separation for over a year. i'm done fighting for a marriage (one person can't save it). i tried for a long time. now i'm done. i'm in therapy. he won't go. his myspace page has him "seeking dating and serious relationships" so i guess i don't count anymore.

i still do the dishes and the laundry. i have put the kids in school so i can seek employment and go out on my own. this is a lot to think about and do after fifteen years of marriage.

i don't expect anyone to check this blog anymore, which is why i'm comfortable ranting here. i'm sorry if you're someone i know and love and i haven't shared this yet. it's been a deep dark secret for a year. i didn't want it to be true so i wouldn't say it. but it's real. it's happening. i'm sorry i couldn't save it.