I opened it. I carefully read the directions. I used it. I did not injure myself.
You're just going to have to trust that this is me behind the red tresses, bravely facing the enemy. (I promise that when I cook at work, the hair is neatly tucked away.) The kids were quite excited as I made waffle-cut sweet potato chips tonight. "Nothing celebrates a milestone like deep frying," I always say. The chips were tasty, but not so delicious as my victory over my somewhat rational fear of hurling my extremities into razor sharp blades.
So I can sleep tonight knowing that I've conquered one of my many demons. And though a friend reminded me today that cutting off a finger still leaves nine spares, I'm grateful to have been given yet another day with all digits unscathed.