This evening, I had to tell someone I couldn't continue our relationship. When it began, I took the stance that I wasn't prepared for a serious something. Somehow it became an exclusive togetherness and, not surprisingly, after awhile, I freaked. Granted, many things in my life are tumultuous right now. Most notably, work, where I'm putting in extra hours whilst a co-worker feigns injury...oh yeah, and that whole pesky pending divorce thing.
Anyway, I was tormented today, knowing I needed to tell my friend (and I mean that with all my heart) that I wasn't capable of giving him me right now. We spoke. I said it in almost those exact words. And he understood. Then he brought some things to light about me that I've overlooked/swept under the rug/ignored.
I've chalked a lot of good things that have happened in my life to luck or happenstance or good universal vibrations. He pointed out that I busted my ass for these things. My perfect job? Sure, the story is great. But I worked for it. I sought employment for months before that happened. My perfect house? Seemed too good to be true...out jogging, getting lost, tah dah! Not really. I looked. I might've even begged a bit. I made it happen. And the way I make ends meet? That's almost amusing. But I'm ultimately responsible for me and have more power than I've previously given myself credit for.
Deep down, I like to think that I know this about myself. I've proclaimed to be smart and strong more than once. Maybe even out-loud. But I don't know how much of the new-me believes it. The old-me is a rather powerful saboteur and has a habit of throwing pebbles and rocks and the occasional boulder to keep new-me from feeling good about herself. And many of you, my treasured friends, have told me these things over and over. But it's good to hear. Again.
So in the end, I'm feeling confident that I've gained yet another wonderful friend who lifts me up and respects me and makes me feel great about myself (much like you do). And I'm left with a little more time to address New Year's Resolution #1. Figuring out what the heck I'm going to be when I grow up. Because good things come to she who busts her ass to create a fabulous life.