Thursday, October 29, 2009

Big Girls Don't Cry

I certainly don't.

I was once taking a facebook questionnaire and it asked "When was the last time you cried?" I had to dig deeply to remember it had been a couple of months, and the reason I shed tears (literally two or three) was sheer exhaustion after a long workday plus the realization that I had several hours of baking ahead of me. Even while I watched the marriage die, I rarely cried -- a couple of times for show to try to pull emotion from my ex. When that didn't work, I'd just stop. That easy.

But a couple of weeks ago, I opened the floodgates and have been fighting back the tears since. As of late, I'm not quite the Ms. Merry Sunshine that I've previously impressed upon you. All these hats I wear...as a mother, a partner, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a student and a general cog in this society are getting a bit heavy, the stack tilting to the side from lack of balance and I fear they're all about to crash to the ground and make quite a mess.

I love all of the parts of me. Each comes with its own set of joys, sorrows, responsibilities and rewards. But their combined mass seems to be growing and I'm not sure how I will manage. And now the tight rein I keep on my emotions has slipped and my eyes have been leaking as a result. This is odd. A little cathartic, but mostly odd...and embarrassing...and wet.

I'm sure this is good for me. I know there's a chemical this-and-that that happens and it's a great way to relieve tension and whatnot, but I'd really just rather have someone hand me a piece of paper with the solutions to all of my challenges. And a box of tissues. And maybe some type of stabilizing device for all of those hats.

1 comment:

Chgoest said...

Love your comment about how "the mass is growing" and nee
ding a "stabilization device for all those hats."

Amen sister.....I hear you and feel your anxiety. My husband (who I dearly love) just doesn't wear the multitude of hats that we gals do. And I think most men don't....