Have you ever tried on clothes at a store, parading in front of a trio of mirrors telling you that you look fabulous, only to get home and realize that the image reflected back at you was lying? Damn skinny mirrors. How's a girl to know how she really appears?
Can't trust the sales girl dying for a commission. Can't believe the guy passing by staring at your arse. Can't believe yourself because it's far more fun to think you really did drop those last five pounds. The only real way to know how the world sees you is from a friend. A true friend.
As we've discussed a hundred times here, I have the best friends in the world. I know with no uncertainty that I will never be hungry, cold or lonely. The wondrous people who make my life the fabulous mosaic that it is have demonstrated numerous times that they love me for exactly who I am...and sometimes they show that love by telling me exactly who I am.
Yesterday afternoon Fab Study Buddies Kristen and Laurie (aka Joy Agent 007) came to Casa del Mar for a long overdue social hour. While Kristen and I share a physiology class this semester, Laurie transferred to a different college and is desperately missed. We catch up a bit here and there on facebook, but we hadn't treated ourselves to a true blue hanging out session since the summer.
We sat. And we ate. And we drank. And we talked. And we giggled. And we learned. And we loved.
Among a whole lotta subject matter, Laurie made an observation that I'd not quite put my thumb on.
I like it smack dab in the middle of the fire...
...because it's warm in there.
Since the divorce, I've watched myself grow in numerous ways, but this is something I'd not considered. I'm a risk-taker now. Once I left the "comfort" of the marriage, I suddenly became empowered to take chances. I don't know if I have a sense of invincibility about myself now or that hearing nothing ventured, nothing gained for so many years finally sunk in deep enough for me to start living it. But I really do like it here in the fire.
Love, for example...the ink is barely dry on my divorce. Yet I enjoyed a remarkable summer romance last year, what I believed to be a happily ever after just weeks ago and more than a couple of fun distractions in between. And I will dive in again. What do I have to lose from loving? Heartache? Meh... The sum total of joy from head-over-heels in love vs. the sum total of sorrow when it ends...the ledger always balances in favor of love.
I'm making a promise to myself to be completely open and honest and not live in fear of heartache. Loving is absolutely amazing. Learning from it isn't a bad thing either. Having already gone through one divorce, another is not an option, so if happily ever after isn't imminent with the next lucky man who strolls into my life, I'd rather it end with some tumult now than with lawyers later.
So it turns out that mirror wasn't so much lying about those last five pounds. It was trying to tell me that I'm hot. Flaming hot.