Thursday, September 2, 2010

Don't Stop Me Now

Since that post where I wrote, "I'm a senior!" and "I'm a senior!", I've given a lot of thought to the fact that I'm a senior.

There's a (little bitty, albeit occasionally loud) piece of me that seems intrinsically uncomfortable with the notion of my own success. I didn't realize this until just recently, as the light at the end of that long educational tunnel is becoming brighter every day. I'm well aware that the only thing stopping me from getting that handsome piece of parchment is me. And I don't want to do that, yet I have a skosh of doubt within myself that its the right thing to do -- to become successful, that is. It almost seems to go against the very nature of me to finally do something the right way. To get the degree. To secure the internship. To get the job. To give my kids the lessons and vacations and childhoods that they deserve. To allow myself comfort and security...and maybe even a new car (well, not a "new" car, but one with less than 150,000 miles and fewer coffee stains might be nice).

So today on my drive home from classes, I was scolding myself over this when into my head popped the Queen song, Don't Stop Me Now. And while I wanted to dedicate it to the financial aid department (oh, please increase my loan eligibility!), I decided that the real someone who needs to hear the message is me. (Alright, I just looked at the lyrics and the song as a whole isn't really applicable, but I'm sticking with the "Don't stop me now" part, as well as the "La da da da da"s, and if you really want to call me Mr. Fahrenheit, that would be a little weird, but not completely out of line.)

So tonight as I attempted to embrace my inevitable triumph, I passed by the fridge (ok, I was considering sneaking a spoonful or two of ice cream. Geez. Lay off, will ya?), I noticed a magnet that my I-don't-see-nearly-often-enough friend Scooter Hollie gave me earlier this summer. She said she spied it and couldn't help but think of me. It states, "The world is full of people who will go their whole lives and not actually live one day. She did not intend on being one of them." And in teeny print, "when faith in myself was so strong, I believed I could move mountains." And this kinda punched me in the gut. I mean, my friends can see it in me. Why am I running from it?

Happily ever I come.

And as for those mountains...relocation services have been secured. Expect movement any day now.


Casey said...

So amazingly proud of you and impressed by you that I can hardly stand it! You go, Girl!! :o)

Jamie said...

You are awesome and wonderful and deserve all the best. Go get it!

a-dub said...

I love that you are able to articulate all the fears and anxieties that we all face when suddenly it's time for us to prove to ourselves that we CAN be and WILL be successful. I'm proud of you for allowing yourself to go through all the emotions of moving those mountains, and hope that you're able to breathe an exhilarating breath of fresh air when you get there. Jennifer, you're doing amazing things for your kids and for everyone else who sees your struggles pay off. I can't wait to see pictures of your graduation!