Friday, September 24, 2010

Reality Check

At 4 a.m., my eyes popped wide open and my heart was racing. I hadn't had a nightmare. There was no thunderstorm. The cat had not delivered to me yet another sacrificial chipmunk. What had happened? I woke up in reality.

So much of my life is spent comfortably suspended in my everything-is-gonna-work-out-just-fine world, that I have forgotten, more or less, how to handle the real stuff.

So just for kicks, let's catch up on the back story...Divorced Mom of three sets out to create a new and improved life for herself and her children. An increasingly circuitous journey, two years to a degree have birthed the need for a year's internship, which now potentially calls for yet another year to complete grad school. Divorced Mom is surviving on student loans and tenacity, both of which are in short supply at this time. The 14 year old mini-van that takes her on the 140 mile round-trip four times weekly is showing signs of age and wear (much like its owner). And all the while, Divorced Mom is descending into the depths of challenging senior year which will require pulling from next years allotment of tenacity and an unknown source of cashola.

So, back to this morning's reality bite: School is getting pretty intense...just as it should right about now, I suppose. The professors are preparing us to apply for those coveted internships (without which, we cannot become dietitians) and the reality that 50% of my class will be left with a degree but no avenue by which to become an R.D. I'll be honest, I sit in my senior seminar class and look around, placing imaginary pluses and minuses over my classmates' heads, making assumptions as to who will get accepted into a program and who won't, hoping those doing the same see a "+" hovering above me. This internship stuff is a really big deal.

Oh, hey, did I mention that these cost money? The two in the KC area (accepting a total of 24 grads from across the U.S.) each run about 8K. Add to that living expenses...sigh. Reality.

So I keep telling myself that I wouldn't have started this journey were I unable to finish it. And deep down I know it will all work out absolutely fabulously. But at this very second, while I'm unsure how I'll pay the bills through the end of the year -- let alone next year -- I'm in a self-pity panic.

I suppose I should go buy someone a cup of coffee.


Jess said...

I see a + over your head! :)

Some kind of Jennifer said...

Jess, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me :)